What if the person who hurt you the most was the one that God wanted you to forgive? Have you ever felt that God just didn't understand how badly you were hurt, betrayed, or wronged? For most of us, forgiveness is a whole lot easier said than done. But here's the truth that can transform your life: forgiveness is the only path to real freedom.

After 25 years in pastoral ministry, I've had countless conversations with people struggling not only to forgive but to understand how forgiveness even works. The misconceptions about forgiveness keep many believers trapped in bitterness for years, sometimes decades. Today, I want to share both biblical truth and personal experience about the power of forgiveness—not just to release others, but to free yourself. 

The Forgiveness Crisis in the Church

Christians know we're supposed to forgive. We've heard the verses. We've nodded along to sermons. Yet statistics show that unforgiveness and bitterness are epidemic in the church, with studies indicating that holding grudges contributes to increased anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems among believers.

The gap between knowing we should forgive and actually forgiving reveals a fundamental misunderstanding about what forgiveness truly is and how it works in real life.

Why Forgiveness Feels Impossible

Several factors make forgiveness particularly difficult:

The Offense Feels Too Great: Some wounds cut so deep that forgiveness feels like minimizing the pain or excusing the inexcusable.

The Offender Doesn't Deserve It: They haven't apologized, shown remorse, or even acknowledged what they did. Why should they get off the hook?

Fear of Being Hurt Again: Forgiveness feels like opening ourselves up to repeated injury.

Misunderstanding What Forgiveness Means: Many believe forgiveness equals reconciliation, trust, or forgetting—none of which are necessarily true.

The Wound Becomes Our Identity: Sometimes we've held our hurt so long, we don't know who we'd be without it.

A Tale of Two Brothers: The Jacob and Esau Story

To understand the power and process of forgiveness, let's examine one of Scripture's most dramatic stories of betrayal and eventual forgiveness: Jacob and Esau.

The Betrayal That Started Everything

Jacob and Esau were twin sons born to Isaac, the son of Abraham. In their culture, the firstborn son received both the birthright (inheritance) and the father's blessing—incredibly significant privileges that determined one's entire future. Esau, born first, held these rights.

But through a series of deceptions:

• Jacob tricked Esau into selling his birthright for a bowl of stew when Esau was famished after hunting
• Later, with his mother's help, Jacob disguised himself as Esau to steal the blessing meant for his brother
• Jacob wore goat skins to mimic Esau's hairy arms and Esau's clothes to smell like him
• He lied directly to his blind father Isaac, claiming to be Esau

When Esau returned with the meal his father had requested, the deception was revealed. Genesis records Esau's anguish: "He burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, 'Bless me—me too, my father!'" (Genesis 27:34).

The betrayal was complete. Jacob had stolen not just material wealth but Esau's identity, purpose, and future.

The Prophecy of Freedom

In his devastation, Esau received an unexpected prophecy from Isaac. Genesis 27:39-40 records these powerful words:

"You will live away from the earth's richness, away from the dew of heaven above. You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother. But when you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke from your neck."

This prophecy contains a profound truth about forgiveness: freedom is a choice. Esau would serve his brother (live under the weight of this betrayal) until he decided to break free. The power to be free from bitterness was in Esau's hands, not Jacob's.

The Bitter Years

Esau's immediate response was murderous rage. Genesis 27:41 tells us, "Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, 'The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.'"

Jacob fled for his life, and the brothers remained separated for twenty years. Twenty years of bitterness. Twenty years of planned revenge. Twenty years of carrying the weight of betrayal.

Understanding True Biblical Forgiveness

Forgiveness Given vs. Forgiveness Received

This distinction revolutionizes how we approach forgiveness:

Forgiveness Given: This is what we're commanded to do as followers of Christ. We release the debt regardless of whether the offender acknowledges, apologizes, or changes. This is unilateral—it requires only our action.

Forgiveness Received: This involves the offender accepting forgiveness, leading to potential reconciliation and restored relationship. This is bilateral—it requires both parties.

Many Christians conflate these two, believing they can't forgive unless the offender participates. But biblical forgiveness given doesn't require the offender's involvement at all.

What Forgiveness Is NOT

Let me clear up common misconceptions:

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. You can forgive while still remembering the lesson and maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Forgiveness is NOT excusing. You're not saying what they did was okay or understandable.

Forgiveness is NOT automatic trust. Trust must be rebuilt through consistent trustworthy behavior over time.

Forgiveness is NOT necessarily reconciliation. Some relationships shouldn't be restored, especially where abuse or ongoing harm is involved.

Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. It's a choice, a decision of the will that feelings eventually follow.

What Forgiveness IS

Forgiveness IS releasing the debt. You stop demanding payment for the wrong done to you.

Forgiveness IS giving up the right to revenge. You transfer justice to God's hands.

Forgiveness IS choosing freedom over bondage. You refuse to let their sin continue controlling your life.

Forgiveness IS obedience to Christ. We forgive because He first forgave us.

Forgiveness IS a process. Often requiring daily choices over extended periods.

My Personal Journey Through Church Hurt

I need to share something personal. Several years into ministry, I experienced a devastating betrayal by another pastor. The details aren't important, but the impact was profound. It hurt my family, drastically changed our circumstances, and left me with what many call "church hurt"—that unique pain of being wounded by spiritual leadership.

For five years, I was stuck. When I thought of this person, all I felt was anger, bitterness, and a desire for them to suffer as I had suffered. I knew I needed to forgive—I was a pastor, after all. But knowing and doing are vastly different things.

The Daily Choice

Forgiveness became a discipline. When memories surfaced or that person came to mind, I faced a choice: nurture the bitterness or choose forgiveness again. Some days I succeeded. Many days I failed. But I kept choosing, kept trying, kept surrendering my right to revenge.

This wasn't a one-time decision but a thousand small choices over five years.

The Breakthrough Moment

About five or six years after the betrayal, I learned this pastor was facing serious health problems. My first thought surprised me: I genuinely felt bad for him and his family. No satisfaction. No "serves him right." Just compassion.

I told my wife, "I think forgiveness has finally happened."

The anger was gone. The bitterness had lifted. I was free.

This doesn't mean I forgot what happened or that we're now friends. But the power that person and that situation held over my emotional and spiritual life was broken.

The Reunion: When Forgiveness Meets Opportunity

Twenty years after fleeing, Jacob decided to return home. He sent gifts ahead to Esau, trying to appease his brother's assumed anger. When Jacob's servants reported that Esau was approaching with 400 men—an army—Jacob prepared for the worst.

He arranged his family strategically, staying in the back, expecting violence. He bowed seven times as Esau approached, the closest we see to Jacob acknowledging his wrong.

But here's the beautiful surprise: "Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept" (Genesis 33:4).

Jacob expected a sword but received an embrace.

The Power of Prior Forgiveness

This reunion reveals something crucial: Esau had already forgiven Jacob. Not in that moment when Jacob bowed. Not when the gifts arrived. Sometime during those twenty years, Esau had chosen freedom over bitterness.

The prophecy had come true: "When you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke from your neck."

Esau's forgiveness wasn't earned by Jacob's gifts or apologies. It was given freely because Esau had decided he would no longer be enslaved to his brother's betrayal.

Practical Steps to Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge the Reality of the Hurt

Don't minimize or spiritualize away your pain. What happened to you was wrong. It hurt. It had consequences. God sees and validates your pain.

2. Understand Why People Don't Apologize

Most offenders will:

• Justify their actions ("I had no choice")
• Minimize the impact ("It wasn't that bad")
• Forget it happened (selective memory)
• Be completely unaware they hurt you

Waiting for them to "get it" keeps you prisoner to their dysfunction.

3. Begin with Prayer

Start by praying for the person who hurt you. It's difficult to maintain hatred while genuinely praying for someone's wellbeing. Even if you start with, "God, I'm supposed to pray for them, so here I am," it's a beginning.

4. Make the Daily Choice

Forgiveness rarely happens in a moment. More often, it's:

• Monday: "I choose to forgive"
• Tuesday: "I'm angry again, but I choose to forgive"
• Wednesday: "I don't feel forgiving, but I choose it anyway"
• Thursday: "God, help me want to forgive"

Each choice weakens bitterness's hold.

5. Release the Debt Specifically

Write down what they owe you:

• An apology
• Recognition of the harm
• Restored reputation
• Lost opportunities
• Emotional damages

Then consciously release each debt to God: "They owe me _______, but I release this debt. God, I trust You with justice."

6. Set Appropriate Boundaries

Forgiveness doesn't mean vulnerability to repeated harm. You can forgive someone and still:

• Limit contact
• Refuse to engage in certain topics
• Maintain physical distance
• Protect yourself and your family

7. Get Support

Don't journey alone. Find:

• A trusted counselor or therapist
• A pastor or spiritual mentor
• A support group for your specific situation
• Friends who will support your choice to forgive without demanding reconciliation

When Forgiveness Feels Stuck

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, forgiveness feels impossible. Common sticking points include:

"They Don't Deserve Forgiveness" You're right. That's exactly the point. Grace, by definition, is undeserved. We forgive not because they deserve it but because Christ forgave us when we didn't deserve it.

"If I Forgive, They Win" Actually, the opposite is true. Unforgiveness chains you to them indefinitely. Forgiveness cuts the chain. You win your freedom.

"God Doesn't Understand How Bad It Was" Jesus was betrayed by a close friend, denied by another, abandoned by all, falsely accused, tortured, and murdered. He understands betrayal intimately. Yet from the cross, He said, "Father, forgive them."

"I've Tried and Failed" Forgiveness is like physical therapy after injury—painful, slow, requiring repeated effort. Each attempt strengthens your forgiveness muscles, even when it feels like failure.

The Freedom on the Other Side

When you finally break through to forgiveness, you discover:

Emotional Freedom: The person no longer controls your emotional state. Memories lose their sting.

Mental Space: Energy previously consumed by bitterness becomes available for growth and joy.

Spiritual Breakthrough: Unforgiveness blocks spiritual growth. Forgiveness opens floodgates of God's work in your life.

Physical Health: Studies show forgiveness reduces stress hormones, blood pressure, and chronic pain.

Generational Impact: You break cycles of bitterness that could affect your children and their children.

Ministry Opportunities: Your forgiveness story becomes a powerful testimony to others trapped in bitterness.

Your Week to Break Free

If you're stuck in bitterness, this is your week. This is your moment to begin the journey toward freedom. You don't have to feel ready. You don't have to feel capable. You just have to be willing to begin.

Write down the name of the person you need to forgive. Maybe multiple names. Begin praying for them, even if through gritted teeth. Make the choice, even if your emotions rebel.

Remember: Forgiveness isn't saying what they did was okay. It's saying you refuse to let what they did continue destroying your life.

The person who hurt you has already taken your past. Don't let them have your future too.

Moving from Lazy Faith to Living Hope

Unforgiveness is lazy faith—it requires no trust in God's justice, no surrender of control, no death to self. It's easier to hate than to heal.

Living hope chooses the harder path of forgiveness because it trusts God to handle justice better than we can. Living hope believes freedom is worth the painful process of letting go.

Like Esau, you have a prophecy over your life: "When you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke from your neck."

The power is in your hands. The choice is yours. Freedom awaits.

Don't wait twenty years like Esau did. Don't wait five years like I did. Start today. Start now. Choose forgiveness, choose freedom, choose life.

Because forgiveness isn't just about releasing them from the debt. It's about releasing yourself from the prison.

Matt Dawson is the Lead Pastor at Journey Church in Huntersville, NC, and author of "GIFTED ON PURPOSE FOR PURPOSE." Through his "Set Free Stay Free" ministry, he helps everyday believers move from lazy faith to living hope. Connect with Matt at [website] or follow his YouTube channel "Set Free Stay Free with Matt Dawson" for more practical biblical teaching.

If you're struggling with forgiveness or need support processing church hurt or betrayal, please reach out for help. Contact your pastor, a Christian counselor, or find a support group in your area. You don't have to journey alone.